He’s Just Not That Into You

(Los Angeles) One woman’s attempts to woo an acquaintance have utterly failed, according to official sources. 

She first met this person several months ago through a shared interest, and had exchanged a number of awkward but un-noteworthy hugs since that first meeting. It had only been in recent weeks, however, that her interest turned romantic.

“I was intrigued by him at the beginning,” said the woman in an official statement. “He was traveling to Italy, my favorite country in the world. But then I started dating someone,” continued the woman, “and I did not really think about him in that way.”

When asked what had changed, she cited being single, and the classic textbook indicator, jealousy. 

“He mentioned going on a date,” noted the woman in an official statement, “and I felt this flare of jealousy.” 

“He was supposed to only like me!”

Since then, the woman initiated several attempts to subtly convey her interest. These included asking him if he wanted to hang out to sketch (to a quick ‘no’ and head-shaking response), telling him she was hungry (to entice a dinner invitation that never came), and asking him how to know when you are in someone’s “friend zone” (‘It is personality,’ he says). 

“I do not know how I could have been more clear,” the woman went on to report. “I literally told him that if he wanted to do something together, let me know, but that if he did not want to I would not be offended.”

This last statement garnered a glance in her direction, according to her peripheral vision, but nothing further.

While reliable sources describe the love interest as “awkward” and “kinda creepy,” the woman had been undeterred in her pursuit. This is no longer the case, according to official sources.

“If he is not interested in me, there is no point in forcing him otherwise,” the woman noted. “Or this might be my rebound crush, in which case it is good that nothing is happening now. Either way, the people on the Gold Line knew what was happening, even if he did not…”

“Besides, if we stay just friends – it is the perfect formula for romance!” 

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Woman Pleased that Heartbreak Has Plus Sides

(Los Angeles) One woman is pleased to discover that with recent heartbreak, certain benefits have emerged.

One, the woman now has greater time to enjoy her favorite hobbies, authorities note. In recent weeks, she has been able to consume large amounts of junk food until she feels drowsy, nap all day from the food or new carpe diem attitude, and resume wearing black as a concerted effort to hide her increasing body size.

“Black is perfect because it also represents my grief at the loss of any future happiness,” she said. “Haha, just kidding.”

The woman has also been helping the environment. According to official reports, she has saved on gas by not leaving the house, and water by not showering, sometimes whole weekends at a time. She has however, likely increased electricity demand through binge-watching episodes of “The Office” and “Jeopardy!”

“But home is where the heart is,” she said, “right?”

“I have been staying close to my heart.”

These events have all increased the woman’s recognition and capacity for gratitude, authorities report. Her health remains strong by dodging a bullet, and her appreciation for mystery has grown over why it does not feel like it was him and not her. Finally, her awareness of God’s everpresent love for her has sharpened.

“Kittens on Pinterest,” the woman explained. “This is how I know that I am loved.”

“It could also be a sign that I need to get a cat or two.”

(image source)

Woman Single After Relationship Ends

(Los Angeles) One woman found herself single again after her relationship ended last Tuesday, authorities say.

The woman, 39, had been officially dating the professor for two months when he broke up with her by phone, according to the statement. This was the second break-up in the short but once promising relationship.

“The professor claimed that he did not feel enough for her to continue the relationship,” said the woman. “I was pissed.”

Despite promises to the contrary, the professor did not give any indication of these concerns prior to the call, according to the statement. The professor had a history of unhealthy relationships and romantic attachments, and cited similar concerns without warning during the first break-up. But the woman had hoped that the second time would be different.

According to the statement, the woman had exerted great effort in accommodating the professor’s poor health, scheduling discomfort, and other vague ailments, to little avail. The woman wondered whether the professor was really able to make the effort to emotionally connect, or if fear had held him back, authorities note.

“I knew something was off and I should have trusted my instincts,” said the woman. “But despite the sadness, I am trying to feel good now knowing that I was brave and loving and vulnerable and honest.”

“I felt like I was me,” the woman continued, “and that is all I can be.”

“Now what am I going to do with this Cubs shirt?”

In lieu of flowers, the woman requests any donations be directed to the Museum of Broken Relationships in Los Angeles.

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Thanks For Nothing, 2013

Editor’s Letter


Dear Family, Friends, Fans and Web Bots,

As the end of 2013 has come and gone, I am reminded of all the things I didn’t accomplish. All the grand plans of things I was sure I would achieve, and had not… Like posting this before the New Year.

I set out to read 12 books this year.

I read 2.

I thought my career would advance with a promotion.

I was not promoted.

I was challenged to recharge my love life.

No recharging… only sputtering and then electric shock.

But as I further reflect, the year had something else in store.

With a desire to spend more time with friends and family, I traveled more than 14,000 miles in 2013, the same as from LA to Timbuktu… twice. Destinations of the heart included the Bay Area (thrice), Ojai, Portland, Chicago, Panama, Vegas, San Diego, and Chino Hills.

While not technically dating, I was also challenged to actually talk to people. I ended up having very interesting conversations with attractive guys, including a Canadian butcher-turned-urban planner, and a former professional athlete-turned-holistic medicine man. Waiting in airports helps. Biochemical engineering professors and those of questionable employment were also in the mix.

And because of changes at work, I’ve been roused to action. I’ve reflected and pursued those things that bring me joy, excitement, and the comfort of feeling without regret. In addition to being a full-time employee and student, I completed an online Foreign Policy class for pleasure (and yes, even with assigned readings I didn’t finish more than 2 books – don’t judge).

In many ways beyond those listed above, 2013 was a terrible year — full of loss, heartache and disappointments. But as Fraulein Maria sang, nothing comes from nothing… nothing ever could. So the joy I’ve experienced, the love and support I’ve felt, and the enduring hope I feel for the future…

I must’ve done something good.

Happy 2014.

Warmest regards,

S. T.


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Somebody To Love


DEAR CHARLOTTE: I have been a loyal reader for some time and I am normally so excited to read your amusing words of wisdom.  However, I was disappointed when I read your “Tales of An Eighth Grade Nothing.” You were posed a question from a reader who is obviously enamored with someone and seeking advice, but rather than be supportive or helpful, your harsh advice basically suggested that she was potentially so hideous that it was not worth continuing her crush.

Your reader, 30-Something Going on 13, sounded sweet albeit childish, but when it comes to matters of the heart – aren’t we all 13 inside?  And therein lies the fun, and heartache, of having a crush.  Every look brings joy and/or despair, and every spoken word a code for unknown feelings.  And yet, the fact that your reader reached out to you tells me that she knew that her feelings were beyond her control, and her imagination potentially running away from her…

I know it’s not easy to like someone and not know if they like me back.  But what I would hope and sincerely ask of you, is for some different advice on what to do with those feelings.  Telling me that I could be delusional is not helpful.  I think you owe me, and your reader some kindness.  After all, aren’t we all looking for somebody to love, and to be loved in return? –QUEEN OF HEARTS

DEAR QUEEN OF HEARTS:  Thank you for your courage in writing to me from the heart.  I am ashamed to say that I took a reader’s struggle and not only made light of it, but turned on her personally in an attempt to thwart her runaway feelings for a few laughs.  For that, and any pain I may have caused to any of my readers, I am truly sorry.

As you very wisely pointed out, Queen of Hearts, knowing that you care for someone and not knowing if they feel the same can be a very painful situation.  How can we tell if the other person sees us for who we are?  Likes us just as we are?…  Beyond all that, I sense a deeper question: Am I a lovable person, worthy of love?

As an improved service to you and others in the same predicament, here are three suggestions to help cope:

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