Woman Wanted to Run Away from Friendly, but Possibly Serial Killer, Men

 

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(Los Angeles) Officials report that one woman recently reported on at least three occasions, strong feelings of wanting to run away from two friendly men with possible serial killer tendencies.

The report noted that these encounters occurred on a train, with one man a fellow commuter the woman sees frequently.

“This is not the first time I’ve seen [the first man],” the woman shared. “I take the train to and from work, and I see him sometimes when I have to look for a seat on the upper level.”

“But I want to run away every time I see [the first man].”

Close friends, who were with the woman during two recent encounters, confirmed the woman’s strong reaction.

“Her face looked like she saw a ghost,” laughed one friend, not realizing the danger they were all in. “She was definitely uncomfortable and weird.”

When prompted for an example, she shared: “Well, she kept laughing at odd moments during our conversation, and messaging us emojis of discomfort face… like, literally while he was sitting across the aisle from us.”

When asked why the woman wanted to run away, the report notes that the woman initially responded with a strangled cry and put her hands over her face. It goes on to cite that his favorite reading material is a gun aficionado magazine and his haircut makes him look like a serviceman. But most pointedly, the report mentions several times that he attempts to look at her and catch her eye to smile.

The report notes that nothing happens beyond smiling when they do make unfortunate eye contact.

The woman met the second potential serial killer while also riding the train. Taking an early train home, the report notes a near-empty car when a man, this time dressed in full military uniform, starts chatting with the woman about upcoming train stops before moving onto topics of profession, schooling, and personal interests.

The report describes the man as of Indian descent with a London accent, friendly demeanor and a weird nail injury. He’s also self-described as friendless, learning German, and is an aspiring cardiologist.

“It felt really easy to have a conversation with him,” the woman confided, “but I declined when he asked me to go see a movie with him because he just wants a ‘mate.'”

“I took that to mean in the British vernacular.”

The report goes on to note that as the station neared and they both detrained, they shook hands after he wiped his nose with his hand. He then mentioned the need to call a ride-sharing service.

“I felt so guilty that I declined on the movie, I thought about offering to drive him somewhere,” confessed the woman. “But then I remembered that I’m not supposed to offer rides to strangers – yes, I recently needed to be reminded – and so I didn’t say anything.”

“So I didn’t offer a ride to a stranger although he was serving our country, was kinda cute with an accent, and was lonely.”

“So, yeah… He could’ve been a serial killer.”

The report concludes that there was no evidence that these men may have been serial killers. They were, what the report authors dryly note, “two friendly guys.”

“But, maybe not,” countered the woman. “I almost died, you know…”

(image source)

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Don’t Worry Baby

(Los Angeles) One woman has started using Tinder without knowing what she was doing, according to official sources. She downloaded the popular dating app on November 10, 2017.

“Lots of people I know been using it,” remarked the woman, when asked why she chose Tinder. “Well, actually two… but one is now engaged!”

So with little instruction or wherewithal, the woman started using the app. Mishaps began immediately.

First the woman became confused with which direction to swipe.

“I was looking at the app upside down to get my friend’s opinion,” explained the woman. “But even then it was still confusing.”

“I would just look at her and ask, ‘What do you I do?’ She also did not know.”

After adapting to slow swiping in order to confirm the “Nope” or “Like,” the woman soon remembered that being on a dating app means needing to use the app.

“For some reason, the woman forgot she needed to be social,” reported one official who asked to remain anonymous. “How can someone forget that (they’re) on a dating app?”

The woman soon adapted to sending messages and responding in kind. Through use of the app however, she found that there were subcultures of which she was not even aware nor a part. These included:

– “420” as a reference to marijuana usage, not an area code;

– Selfie hotspots of bathroom, gym, and gearshift of vehicle;

– Vitamix; and

– Man toys, including cars, motorcycles, boats, etc.

“Men also apparently liked to begrudgingly claim that they are tall,” observed the woman. “They write, ‘I guess it’s a thing here,’ but it’s obvious they’re proud of their height.”

Officials have since confirmed that tall men do do this, through an industry term known as the “humblebrag.”

Despite many men posting multiple shirtless photos of themselves, the woman did connect with a few men and began exchanging messages. The official report notes that this was when the woman met M (name withheld for privacy purposes).

“M seemed cute,” recalled the woman, “he was Italian, and had an interesting job in government.”

Officials have reconstructed the following timeline:

– Messages were exchanged on Tinder on November 10, 11 and 12

– WhatsApp was then used for messaging starting November 13 and phone messaging on November 15, with messages including:

EXHIBIT A (11/13):

M: Hello dear

M: How are you doing

Woman: Hey M?!

M: How are you doing

Woman: How was your day?

M: Bright

M: Do you live alone

M: Please tell me more about yourself

M: I want to be more than a friend to you

 

EXHIBIT B (11/13):

Woman: Are you by chance up for talking on the phone sometime?

M: Yes

M: But I have a lot of Italian accent… I hope you can understand?

Woman: Would it be better if we met in person?

M: Yes sure… I will really like that

Woman: Great… How about Saturday [November 18]?

M: I will be at work then dear

Woman: Oh, ok… When could work for you?

M: 25th of November

Woman: Hahah, ok. That would work for me.

M: Oh really… It will?

M: How as your day?

M: Hi baby

M: Are you there

 

EXHIBIT C (11/16 on WhatsApp):

M: Did you sleep well last night?

Woman: Yeah, it was so nice! I should try harder to get more sleep.

M: Lol

M: Hope your job isn’t stressful?

Woman: My job can be stressful but not all the time… Is your job stressful?

M: Well not stressful, but I do travel in between my work

Woman: Oh, travel for work always seem fun. Do you like the travel part?

M: Yes I do

Woman: Ok I’m about to go into the subway so I’ll lose service. Hope you have a good day if I don’t get a chance to message!

M: Okay baby… But you can receive text messages from your phone number??

M: I can text you

Woman: Yes!… It’s just sometimes I’m too busy to get my messages or respond.

M: Okay baby

M: Hope your job pays you well… Coz you sleep a lot

 

EXHIBIT C (11/16 continued through phone message):

M: Honey I want to ask you a question

Woman: Oh, ok sure

M: Baby did you delete your tinder… I deleted mine coz I found you I want you to do the same

Woman: That is very sweet but we haven’t even talked or met yet?!…

M: Yes but I believe we have a lot of chemistry

M: Talk to me on what’s App

M: I want to share something with you

M: Please delete the tinder app tpo

M: Too*

 

EXHIBIT C (11/16 continued back through WhatsApp):

M: ????

M: Baby

Woman: Sorry I can’t keep up with the different apps!? You wanted to share something?

M: Yes baby

Link

Link

M: Are you there

M: Don’t you like????

Woman: Wow!? Thanks for sending me these. I have to get going but I hope you have a good night!

M: Don’t you want to talk to me?

Woman: Sorry! I have work to do tonight and I need to go to bed too!

M: Okay….

M: Are you interested in me?

– END OF EXHIBITS –

When officials recited the timeline for the woman’s concurrence, her response was noted as “Yeah…”

“Yeah…,” also responded an anonymous source close to this matter. “(We were) really rooting for the woman to have a good experience. But we still have hope (for her).”

“Everything will turn out alright.”

He’s Just Not That Into You


(Los Angeles) One woman’s attempts to woo an acquaintance have utterly failed, according to official sources. 

She first met this person several months ago through a shared interest, and had exchanged a number of awkward but un-noteworthy hugs since that first meeting. It had only been in recent weeks, however, that her interest turned romantic.

“I was intrigued by him at the beginning,” said the woman in an official statement. “He was traveling to Italy, my favorite country in the world. But then I started dating someone,” continued the woman, “and I did not really think about him in that way.”

When asked what had changed, she cited being single, and the classic textbook indicator, jealousy. 

“He mentioned going on a date,” noted the woman in an official statement, “and I felt this flare of jealousy.” 

“He was supposed to only like me!”

Since then, the woman initiated several attempts to subtly convey her interest. These included asking him if he wanted to hang out to sketch (to a quick ‘no’ and head-shaking response), telling him she was hungry (to entice a dinner invitation that never came), and asking him how to know when you are in someone’s “friend zone” (‘It is personality,’ he says). 

“I do not know how I could have been more clear,” the woman went on to report. “I literally told him that if he wanted to do something together, let me know, but that if he did not want to I would not be offended.”

This last statement garnered a glance in her direction, according to her peripheral vision, but nothing further.

While reliable sources describe the love interest as “awkward” and “kinda creepy,” the woman had been undeterred in her pursuit. This is no longer the case, according to official sources.

“If he is not interested in me, there is no point in forcing him otherwise,” the woman noted. “Or this might be my rebound crush, in which case it is good that nothing is happening now. Either way, the people on the Gold Line knew what was happening, even if he did not…”

“Besides, if we stay just friends – it is the perfect formula for romance!” 

(image source)

Woman Pleased that Heartbreak Has Plus Sides

(Los Angeles) One woman is pleased to discover that with recent heartbreak, certain benefits have emerged.

One, the woman now has greater time to enjoy her favorite hobbies, authorities note. In recent weeks, she has been able to consume large amounts of junk food until she feels drowsy, nap all day from the food or new carpe diem attitude, and resume wearing black as a concerted effort to hide her increasing body size.

“Black is perfect because it also represents my grief at the loss of any future happiness,” she said. “Haha, just kidding.”

The woman has also been helping the environment. According to official reports, she has saved on gas by not leaving the house, and water by not showering, sometimes whole weekends at a time. She has however, likely increased electricity demand through binge-watching episodes of “The Office” and “Jeopardy!”

“But home is where the heart is,” she said, “right?”

“I have been staying close to my heart.”

These events have all increased the woman’s recognition and capacity for gratitude, authorities report. Her health remains strong by dodging a bullet, and her appreciation for mystery has grown over why it does not feel like it was him and not her. Finally, her awareness of God’s everpresent love for her has sharpened.

“Kittens on Pinterest,” the woman explained. “This is how I know that I am loved.”

“It could also be a sign that I need to get a cat or two.”

(image source)

Woman Single After Relationship Ends

(Los Angeles) One woman found herself single again after her relationship ended last Tuesday, authorities say.

The woman, 39, had been officially dating the professor for two months when he broke up with her by phone, according to the statement. This was the second break-up in the short but once promising relationship.

“The professor claimed that he did not feel enough for her to continue the relationship,” said the woman. “I was pissed.”

Despite promises to the contrary, the professor did not give any indication of these concerns prior to the call, according to the statement. The professor had a history of unhealthy relationships and romantic attachments, and cited similar concerns without warning during the first break-up. But the woman had hoped that the second time would be different.

According to the statement, the woman had exerted great effort in accommodating the professor’s poor health, scheduling discomfort, and other vague ailments, to little avail. The woman wondered whether the professor was really able to make the effort to emotionally connect, or if fear had held him back, authorities note.

“I knew something was off and I should have trusted my instincts,” said the woman. “But despite the sadness, I am trying to feel good now knowing that I was brave and loving and vulnerable and honest.”

“I felt like I was me,” the woman continued, “and that is all I can be.”

“Now what am I going to do with this Cubs shirt?”

In lieu of flowers, the woman requests any donations be directed to the Museum of Broken Relationships in Los Angeles.

(Image source)