Don’t Worry Baby

(Los Angeles) One woman has started using Tinder without knowing what she was doing, according to official sources. She downloaded the popular dating app on November 10, 2017.

“Lots of people I know been using it,” remarked the woman, when asked why she chose Tinder. “Well, actually two… but one is now engaged!”

So with little instruction or wherewithal, the woman started using the app. Mishaps began immediately.

First the woman became confused with which direction to swipe.

“I was looking at the app upside down to get my friend’s opinion,” explained the woman. “But even then it was still confusing.”

“I would just look at her and ask, ‘What do you I do?’ She also did not know.”

After adapting to slow swiping in order to confirm the “Nope” or “Like,” the woman soon remembered that being on a dating app means needing to use the app.

“For some reason, the woman forgot she needed to be social,” reported one official who asked to remain anonymous. “How can someone forget that (they’re) on a dating app?”

The woman soon adapted to sending messages and responding in kind. Through use of the app however, she found that there were subcultures of which she was not even aware nor a part. These included:

– “420” as a reference to marijuana usage, not an area code;

– Selfie hotspots of bathroom, gym, and gearshift of vehicle;

– Vitamix; and

– Man toys, including cars, motorcycles, boats, etc.

“Men also apparently liked to begrudgingly claim that they are tall,” observed the woman. “They write, ‘I guess it’s a thing here,’ but it’s obvious they’re proud of their height.”

Officials have since confirmed that tall men do do this, through an industry term known as the “humblebrag.”

Despite many men posting multiple shirtless photos of themselves, the woman did connect with a few men and began exchanging messages. The official report notes that this was when the woman met M (name withheld for privacy purposes).

“M seemed cute,” recalled the woman, “he was Italian, and had an interesting job in government.”

Officials have reconstructed the following timeline:

– Messages were exchanged on Tinder on November 10, 11 and 12

– WhatsApp was then used for messaging starting November 13 and phone messaging on November 15, with messages including:

EXHIBIT A (11/13):

M: Hello dear

M: How are you doing

Woman: Hey M?!

M: How are you doing

Woman: How was your day?

M: Bright

M: Do you live alone

M: Please tell me more about yourself

M: I want to be more than a friend to you

 

EXHIBIT B (11/13):

Woman: Are you by chance up for talking on the phone sometime?

M: Yes

M: But I have a lot of Italian accent… I hope you can understand?

Woman: Would it be better if we met in person?

M: Yes sure… I will really like that

Woman: Great… How about Saturday [November 18]?

M: I will be at work then dear

Woman: Oh, ok… When could work for you?

M: 25th of November

Woman: Hahah, ok. That would work for me.

M: Oh really… It will?

M: How as your day?

M: Hi baby

M: Are you there

 

EXHIBIT C (11/16 on WhatsApp):

M: Did you sleep well last night?

Woman: Yeah, it was so nice! I should try harder to get more sleep.

M: Lol

M: Hope your job isn’t stressful?

Woman: My job can be stressful but not all the time… Is your job stressful?

M: Well not stressful, but I do travel in between my work

Woman: Oh, travel for work always seem fun. Do you like the travel part?

M: Yes I do

Woman: Ok I’m about to go into the subway so I’ll lose service. Hope you have a good day if I don’t get a chance to message!

M: Okay baby… But you can receive text messages from your phone number??

M: I can text you

Woman: Yes!… It’s just sometimes I’m too busy to get my messages or respond.

M: Okay baby

M: Hope your job pays you well… Coz you sleep a lot

 

EXHIBIT C (11/16 continued through phone message):

M: Honey I want to ask you a question

Woman: Oh, ok sure

M: Baby did you delete your tinder… I deleted mine coz I found you I want you to do the same

Woman: That is very sweet but we haven’t even talked or met yet?!…

M: Yes but I believe we have a lot of chemistry

M: Talk to me on what’s App

M: I want to share something with you

M: Please delete the tinder app tpo

M: Too*

 

EXHIBIT C (11/16 continued back through WhatsApp):

M: ????

M: Baby

Woman: Sorry I can’t keep up with the different apps!? You wanted to share something?

M: Yes baby

Link

Link

M: Are you there

M: Don’t you like????

Woman: Wow!? Thanks for sending me these. I have to get going but I hope you have a good night!

M: Don’t you want to talk to me?

Woman: Sorry! I have work to do tonight and I need to go to bed too!

M: Okay….

M: Are you interested in me?

– END OF EXHIBITS –

When officials recited the timeline for the woman’s concurrence, her response was noted as “Yeah…”

“Yeah…,” also responded an anonymous source close to this matter. “(We were) really rooting for the woman to have a good experience. But we still have hope (for her).”

“Everything will turn out alright.”

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The Age of Old

(Los Angeles) Officials report that one woman is decidedly aging ungracefully.

“Based on what we know of her demeanor, we would have expected that she embrace aging with wisdom and humility,” says one official, who requested to remain anonymous.

“However, that is clearly not the case.”

Aging gracefully means taking steps to stay healthy, including remaining active. According to sources, watching too much television reduces life expectancy. For every hour of television watched, those over the age of 25 lose 22 minutes of life expectancy.

Upon discovering “The Crown,” “Victoria,” “The Good Place,” and “Mindhunter,” officials estimate the woman has lost 10 hours and 42.4 minutes*, not including the time she has lost to watching “Jeopardy!” while eating dinner.

“Whoa,” responded the woman, when informed of this calculation.

Aging gracefully also means having beauty routines, and then being discreet about them. The woman recently started coloring her gray because the combination of color and texture, as she puts it, “was horrible and wonky.” Soon after coloring her hair however, she blurted out to a group of relative strangers that she just colored her hair and then added nothing else. When officials inquired of her skincare routine, the woman sheepishly answered that she usually washes her face, and applies lotion and facial sunscreen.

“Sometimes I forget though,” the woman responded, defensively. “Or I do not feel like it.”

Aging gracefully can also mean being discreet about age. The woman is admittedly blessed with appearing much younger than her age, and is often asked about it in subtle ways.

“In work settings, people often ask me how long I have worked with my organization,” the woman shared. “I know that they are really asking how long in order to calculate my age, but just recently I blurted out ‘Almost 18 years!’ You can see the shock on their face, and see their lips moving as they calculate under their breath.”

“And then I remember I was not going to answer that question anymore.”

While adjusting to being 40 is a transition that many do everyday, this woman still finds it aging surprising in general.

“I did not really think that I would be this old,” confided the woman. “Not because I was living a reckless life, but because I was not consciously choosing it.”

“But as Helen Hayes once wisely said, ‘Age is not important unless you are a cheese.’”

(image source)

* Mathematical evidence of woman’s shortened life expectancy:

Season 1 of “The Crown”: 577 minutes

Season 1 of “Victoria”: 392 minutes

Season 1 of “The Good Place”: 287 minutes

Season 1 of “Mindhunter”: 496 minutes

Total viewing time: 1,752 minutes or 29 hours and 12 minutes

1 hour of TV viewing time = 22 minutes of life expectancy lost

So 29 hours and 12 minutes of viewing time = 642.4 minutes of life expectancy lost

642.4 minutes = 10 hours and 42.4 minutes

Who Do You Want To Be Today?

Editor’s Letter

Forty is a birthday milestone that should be celebrated. According to Wikipedia, if I was born in Asia between 1950 and 1955, I would be dead by now.

But I was not and I am not. I was born in 1977 in what is considered a “more developed region,” so I can expect to live to a glorious… 72.

So… moving on. What to think now of being 40? Last year, I thought 40 meant I needed to be “accomplished” in my life – a completed bucket list to show that I have lived a life worth living. Loyal readers may recall the “Twenty Before Forty” series, which still remains to be published in coming months, that reflects this perspective.

But as much as this checklist has been challenging and fun to complete, I’ve realized that I was going about this 40th birthday all wrong. Turning 40 shouldn’t be about the things I’ve done or even who I’ve become, but who I want to strive to be… What character do I want to be and show up in the world? 

First is temperance, as described by the VIA Institute on Character. (I’ve never been a big drinker, but this is not what I mean.) Temperance includes virtues such as forgiveness, humility, and self-regulation. While I am far from the perfect role model for temperance, I do want to be more accepting of others’ shortcomings, and show empathy and acceptance rather than condemnation. This goes a long way in dealing with bad drivers and annoying cashiers. I also want to be more humble, and recognize that it’s better for accomplishments to speak for themselves rather than needing affirmation and explicit approval. I often let my emotions or impulses get the best of me, so greater self-control would also make me happier. As I’ve learned unfortunately several times, a tuna melt, corn dog and half-dozen doughnuts does not. 

Second is courage, which includes being brave, persevering, and being honest. I was once called brave in 11th grade for telling a boy I liked him, despite not actually knowing that much about him. But I never really considered the possibility of my actually being brave until recently. By speaking up about how I feel and what I want, I’ve experienced a vulnerability I was too afraid to endure in the past. As for perseverance, the experience of online dating more than suffices. And yet, soon I’ll be embarking on that journey again because I hope for love and companionship and I know I can do what it takes to keep that a possibility. And finally, honesty about who I am and what I need. This includes accepting and even loving my introvertedness, and not shying away from fiercely protecting my alone time – even if this comes up against my desire to please others, which is also strong and not always for my highest good. 

Third is transcendence, including an appreciation of beauty and excellence, hope for the future, humor, and gratitude. Appreciating beauty and excellence requires slowing down, and really seeing. I was fortunate to visit Sequoia and Kings Canyon National Parks recently, and there is truly nothing like a solo hike to allow you to see – really see – nature around you, including every alarming lizard, cheeky squirrel, and noble tree. And despite nothing that can prove it or support it, I have hope for the future. It is hope that compels me to try online dating again, hope that I can make a difference through my work, hope that I can exceed Wikipedia’s expectations and live another 40 years to appreciate, enjoy, contribute and help improve this world around us. For all of this must be with humor, as I cannot imagine my first 40 years without laughter. Being able to laugh at the world, and most importantly myself, is the quickest way I know to endear and be endearing, to make the rough patches endurable, and the high points worth sharing. As Maya Angelou wisely puts it, 

My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style.

 And finally, gratitude. I have so many things to be grateful for, the people in my life and the life I have lived, that it is truly beyond any comprehension or deserving… That I have this space, this Tastes Like Onion to show up in the world and express my found voice, is amazing.  

Thank you for allowing me to express gratitude that you have joined me on this journey. Thank you for choosing to spend your precious time to be with me, one post at a time. Thank you for indulging the musings of one 40-year-old woman.

Thank you. 
Warmest regards, 

S. T. 

“Woman”

(image source)

He’s Just Not That Into You


(Los Angeles) One woman’s attempts to woo an acquaintance have utterly failed, according to official sources. 

She first met this person several months ago through a shared interest, and had exchanged a number of awkward but un-noteworthy hugs since that first meeting. It had only been in recent weeks, however, that her interest turned romantic.

“I was intrigued by him at the beginning,” said the woman in an official statement. “He was traveling to Italy, my favorite country in the world. But then I started dating someone,” continued the woman, “and I did not really think about him in that way.”

When asked what had changed, she cited being single, and the classic textbook indicator, jealousy. 

“He mentioned going on a date,” noted the woman in an official statement, “and I felt this flare of jealousy.” 

“He was supposed to only like me!”

Since then, the woman initiated several attempts to subtly convey her interest. These included asking him if he wanted to hang out to sketch (to a quick ‘no’ and head-shaking response), telling him she was hungry (to entice a dinner invitation that never came), and asking him how to know when you are in someone’s “friend zone” (‘It is personality,’ he says). 

“I do not know how I could have been more clear,” the woman went on to report. “I literally told him that if he wanted to do something together, let me know, but that if he did not want to I would not be offended.”

This last statement garnered a glance in her direction, according to her peripheral vision, but nothing further.

While reliable sources describe the love interest as “awkward” and “kinda creepy,” the woman had been undeterred in her pursuit. This is no longer the case, according to official sources.

“If he is not interested in me, there is no point in forcing him otherwise,” the woman noted. “Or this might be my rebound crush, in which case it is good that nothing is happening now. Either way, the people on the Gold Line knew what was happening, even if he did not…”

“Besides, if we stay just friends – it is the perfect formula for romance!” 

(image source)

EXCLUSIVE: Friday Field Notes


(Los Angeles) WikiLeaks has just released dozens of field notes from one local woman. Tastes Like Onion has the exclusive. This past Friday’s field notes are reprinted below in full.


04/14/17

07:45 Discovered strange dog in backyard. Made eye contact. Asked neighbors if they lost a dog. Son came to take dog. Dog did not seem pleased. 

08:00 Train pulled into station. Ran for train. Breathed heavily on train as it sat at station for another five minutes.

08:10 Ate breakfast on train while reading Shakespeare’s “As You Like It.” Play not easy to read whilst eating. Remembered play was featured in “Never Been Kissed.” Contemplated why Mr. Coulson was enamored with Drew Barrymore’s character.

08:25 Observed young man pick up fallen trash to throw away in nearby trash can. Smiled, thinking there is still good in the world.

9:35 Dentist commented on wonderful smile and sunny disposition (as roughly translated from Korean). Was asked about a boyfriend since I seem so nice. Was left to contemplate relationship status while teeth being cleaned.

10:07 Discovered new café. Listened to young folks talk about their blogging, as if people care what they have to say. Irony noted.

10:34 Was asked for nearest ATM location. Did not know. She just moved here. Magnanimously welcomed her to LA.

11:00 Chatted on phone with new friend. Was happy during call but left tired from social effort.

11:37 Heard “Don’t Stop Believing” while walking. Felt like in a musical until cyclist with his radio passed on the sidewalk.

11:48 Mentally corrected woman who described Metro Civic Center station as having underground food court and waterfall. Maybe she was thinking of Grand Park and Bunker Hill food court.

12:10 Was asked whether going to school, by a 48-year-old man from Long Beach who never finished college, worked as a draftsman, took a sabbatical to do commercial fishing, used to drive a 1964 Volkswagen Beetle, and now takes public transit everywhere including to his second job “at the horses” [in Santa Anita]. Was asked for donation money. When man attempts a joke, his mouth forms an “o” and pauses, waiting for laughter. Did not laugh so as to not encourage behavior. Did not matter.

13:15 Ate popular poke food with friends in an outdoor courtyard. Learned that community service is an alternative to paying driving ticket fines. Resisted free candy sample and learned that honey can be made from cactus.

14:45 Listened to live piano music while waiting for train. Set included “Say Something” with live singing, and oddly felt emotional. Might be effects of Moon Cheese. Bird flew near face.

17:00 Mild electrocution of outer and upper shoulder with heat pad was relaxing. Subsequent exercises were not.

17:25 Foraged for food at local Trader Joe’s.

19:22 Read.

20:22 Read.

21:21 Read.

(image source)