Rock-Solid Ego

(Los Angeles) Scientists discover that people may just be self-absorbed balls of insecurity. This discovery came after an observational study of one woman over the course of a three-hour period.

Scientists were initially interested in studying the behaviors of prospective students in a social setting and how “peacocking” or the need to impress, manifests in these types of interactions. However, scientists discovered that the woman provided an unexpected alternative area of research.

“We were really excited with our initial findings,” the lead scientist noted, during a recent press conference. “The data suggested that prospective students are really full of themselves.”

When asked for examples, the lead scientist noted this could be seen in the reactions to questions on the graduate degree of interest, and the manner in which degree(s) were considered and rejected.

“When a prospective student responded that they were interested in a Doctoral program, another student said, ‘Whooooooo.’”

The scientist went on: “Then, there was also a conversation between two young men about having considered, and rejecting, a medical degree. The content of the discussion appeared civil but the exchange was reminiscent of ancient wrestling between olive oil-coated men.”

During the data collection process however, the scientists notably noted the woman’s demeanor when recounting such interactions.

“She was really annoyed, and kinda mean.”

“I was super annoyed,” the woman confirmed. “I started to talk about what happened, and I couldn’t help getting riled up about it.”

“Yeah, you didn’t want to go to med school because you didn’t want to spend 20 years learning? Oh, your brother is a doctor? Oh, and yours is too?,” the woman went on, unprompted and in a sarcastic tone.

“As if the choice of not attending medical school was entirely up to that kid,” said the woman in her usual voice, rolling her eyes.

Scientists noted that shortly after, the woman shifted to statements that suggested guilt and remorse.

“We noted that after initial sarcasm,” scientists explained, “the woman’s neural and verbal processing changed. We noticed a spike in the use of tangents and qualifiers in her speech pattern, indicating that she wanted to remove herself existentially from her earlier behavior and statements.”

“I felt bad,” the woman confirmed. “They were just kids – what did they know anyway?”

After quick conference with other scientists, the study shifted to catalyst identification for the feelings of guilt and remorse observed in the woman. Scientists reviewed the woman’s prior transcripts and observational data, and discovered the key to such insights: the woman.

“I told them why I started to feel bad,” the woman recounted. “They are me.”

The scientists further explained: “[The woman] identified with these children, and the insecurities they expressed.”

“Her sarcasm was an indication of the self-loathing she was experiencing, and transference onto others,” the lead scientist went on, “not to discount the woman’s assessment of the situation.”

“They did seem really annoying.”

The study concluded that the root of the woman’s annoyance was self-identification with the source of such annoyance.

“I wanted to be thought of as smart and capable,” the woman shared. “I mean, I don’t want to be like that weirdo who said she’s been working on her application for three years. Something’s wrong with her.”

“But,” the woman course-corrected, chagrin look on her face, “I’m probably weird too. I want to do a good job, and have people like me.”

The study’s abstract notes that further study is needed to conclude, to a reasonable degree of scientific certainty, that the theory applies to a broader population.

Such future studies can include a control study with psychopaths, or rocks.

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Scientists Discover Source of Woman’s Down Demeanor

(Los Angeles, CA) After rigorous study, scientists discover the source of one woman’s recent down demeanor.

“Zits,” report the scientists. “Huge ones.”

The woman, known for her bright and bubbly personality, has for the past week exhibited signs of withdrawal and subduedness. According to their published report, she exhibited behavior including looking down while walking, avoiding eye contact, and smiling except in her eyes.

Before conclusively concluding the source, prior considerations included lack of makeup, sleep deficiency, and father’s poor health.

The woman began wearing less makeup upon realizing that it was annoying.

“It was annoying,” claimed the woman, in background information cited in the study. “And when I got a bunch of zits in a row, I thought that no makeup might help.”

While scientists hypothesized that lack of makeup could give cause for the woman to feel embarrassed and therefore socially withdraw, they ultimately dismissed this as cause when they discovered that the woman did not seemed bothered by her bare face, and therefore it had little bearing on her interaction with others.

The woman has also been sleep deprived during the study period.

The first confirmed incidence was last Monday, when after being delayed by inclement weather during travel, she went straight from the airport to the hospital to visit her father.  The remainder of the week was also busy with visits. She averaged 6 hours, 4 minutes, 45 seconds of sleep during a busy work week, but typically needs minimum 7 hours to feel somewhat rested.

Other behaviors supporting insufficent sleep included minimal chatter, large and frequent yawning, and heavy eyelids. The study eventually ruled it out as cause when they found that the woman consumed larger amounts of caffeine to compensate for lack of sleep.

Her father’s poor health was also potential cause for the woman’s down demeanor. Her father had been feeling unwell for some time but upon recent test results, was admitted to the hospital for intensive treatment. This caused her father’s immune system to be lowered and other complications to occur.

“It was hard to see my father in a hospital bed,” noted the woman in the report. “He looked so little and vulnerable. I wish there was something I could do [to help].”

Despite mounting evidence pointing towards father’s poor health, scientists ultimately concluded that zits are the most likely cause for the woman’s down demeanor.

Acne can erode confidence and perpetuate a self-consciousness that leads to downward gazing and eye contact avoidance, according to the study findings. Her diminished smile can also be supported by the locational relationship of zits to mouth, and proximity drawing unwanted attention.

The study, funded by the Association of Clear Nice Epidermis Follicles and Rejecting External impErfections (ACNEFREE), has since been cited as scientific proof that clear skin makes this one woman more confident. While study scientists contend its groundbreaking findings has extraordinary implications for helping future generations’ emotional health in an age of increasing social isolation and despair, other scientists question its value to a larger population due to the study’s small sample size.

“[But] I totally get why taking care of yourself is so important,” the woman stated in the study epilogue. “There is a lot going on underneath the surface, and it will eventually make it present.”

“And… that it too shall pass.”

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To Fix Thy Hair is To Know Thyself

After a two-year long experiment, one woman reverts back to her natural hair part, and finds deeper meaning from the experience.

While it is scientifically proven that the direction of a hair part can have profound impact on social acceptance and success, the woman was often met with skepticism and disbelief at the value, and potential impact, of the experiment.

“I think a lot of people rolled their eyes,” the woman shared. “I actually don’t really remember.”

When reminded that the woman was met with skepticism and disbelief, she further recalled indeed feeling self-conscious at having to explain how a hair part can have such effects.

But the results from the experiment proved statistically significant.

Based on a chi-squared score of a billion, data showed that with her unnatural, or self-improved hair part, she more easily found better parking spots, was upgraded at hotels and offered prime dining seating locations, and garnered a higher percentage of appropriate smiles returned than the ‘bend and snap‘ from Legally Blonde.

But the benefits came at some cost to the woman.

“I had to make sure I fixed my part while my hair was wet,” the woman recounted, “and use spray hair gel.”

“Oh, and a bobby pin to keep my bangs in place.”

So with a recent hair cut, the woman unceremoniously ended her hair part experiment. Scholars and careful observers alike have drawn similarities to the demise of her pescatarian diet, which ended with an impromptu ham Thanksgiving dinner, also after a two-year stint.

With shorter hair and a natural part, the woman has attributed a deeper acceptance of who she is — the good and the bad. For now she no longer experiences the perks of a more symmetrically-appearing face,  but feels the freedom of walking out the door without worry of flyaway baby hairs. She understands that while she can seek self-improvement, it is difficult to completely change 180 degrees without a bobby pin to hold her manufactured self together. And, she has learned that when she indeed accepts herself, she will naturally appear more shiny, smooth, and full of body and life.

When asked of her next experiment, the woman confessed that she now hopes to identify effective ways to remember to brush her hair every day. An academic literature review has revealed no pending studies currently underway in this field.

Blink

(Los Angeles, CA) Sources confirm that one woman recently benefited from the quick conclusions of others, to seem more attractive, benevolent and fit.

These quick conclusions, known as adaptive unconscious, enables some to excel at decision-making while others fare poorly.

“‘Did you get a haircut?… It’s so shiny!,” recounted the woman, of an early morning interaction with a colleague. “I realized it was because my hair was still wet, but you know…  She was already down the hall, so…”

The woman also reportedly received expressions of gratitude when she recently paused to let a person in a wheelchair navigate a narrow uneven sidewalk.

“He nodded his head as he passed, as if to say thanks,” she recalled, shaking her head. “But I was just trying to rest my feet from new shoes.”

The woman received a compliment on her physique while waiting for a flu shot.* Flexing in front of the mirror in order to give definition to her otherwise flabby arms, the woman received a “nice muscles” remark from the nurse. According to reports, the woman was pleased with herself and continued to flex and admire her reflection before the nurse had to ask her to relax for the injection.

The woman, who at times actually puts forth effort to be more attractive or do nice things for others, exhibited distress at the thought of receiving undeserved good will.

“I feel bad that [people] mistake my vanity for kindness.”

The woman went on to share that while it is clear people often draw the wrong conclusions, it is kinder to give others the same generous benefit of the doubt.

“Who knows,” the woman reflected. “They just might rise to the occasion.”

*Author’s note: This actually happened. We verified many times for authenticity.

Effective Procrastination: Methods and Future Study

Abstract

            Procrastination is the act of engaging in another activity. Through a case study of one female individual, five effective procrastination methods and examples will be discussed. Recommendations for future study include replicating results in a controlled environment, and study into alternative procrastination methods.

Introduction

            Procrastination, a “self-imposed frustration” (Andreou, 2007, p. 183), is described by Solomon and Rothblum (1984) as “the tendency to delay initiation or completion of important tasks to the point of discomfort” (Howell & Watson, 2007, p. 167), and is a difficult behavior trait for individuals to overcome. The lure of engaging in another activity is both satisfying and depraved, and leads afflicted individuals into a “preference loop,” as described by Andreou (2007). Howell and Watson (2007) found that procrastination is associated with “greater disorganization and less use of cognitive and meta-cognitive strategies” (p. 167).

Despite any comprehensive literature review to the contrary, through the review of a case study of one female individual, procrastination is posited as a key element to the successful completion of any graduate school program, and that by utilizing effective procrastination methods the individual’s time will be at most a destructive trait, but more likely an exercise in instant gratification.

The case study will first outline five effective methods implemented by one female individual for purposes of employing procrastination. A description and analysis of each method along with exemplary examples will be followed by recommendations for future study.

Effective Procrastination Methods

            There are an infinite number of procrastination methods in the scientific world. For purposes of this analysis, a case study examines five methods with associated examples.

The first procrastination method is social media. In a survey described by White (2012), “64[percent] say they visit websites unrelated to work daily,” including “66[percent] for workers with bachelor’s.” In this case study, a female individual’s online habits mirrored survey results with a disproportionate amount of discretionary time procured on Facebook and Twitter, two social media websites as described by Woman (2012).

The second procrastination method is conducting imaginary conversations. The female individual in the case study, as described by Woman (personal communication, April 19, 2013), often spends time pretending to discuss books in pre-future conversations, including discussions on which books the individual wants to read, the premise of Oliver Sacks’ The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat, and other neuroscience and other interests.  The female individual, according to Woman (personal communication, April 19, 2013) cited confirmation that the conversations were imaginary due to their unusual coherence and interest level.

Another procrastination method is taking a nap, or as described by Woman (personal communication, April 19, 2013), a euphemism for retreating to a personal space and watching television. Within the case study, the favored distraction mode was watching Hallmark movies followed by an avid online search of starring actors and their respective career and dating history. Such notable movies include I Married Who? and I Want to Marry Ryan Banks which both starred well-known actors from the 1980s.

A fourth procrastination method is actually taking a nap. Ideal napping conditions discerned in the case study include a cool afternoon and a full meal.

A fifth procrastination method relies on contemplating future blog posts. The female individual in the case study, invested time in thinking of new stories and material to write, rather than write for required course assignments. One such idea, according to Woman (personal communication, May 3, 2013) was to write a research paper on effective procrastination methods (Woman, 2013).

Recommendations

            It is clear from the case study that the five effective procrastination methods described herein may be mastered. Based on a preliminary statistical analysis (Woman, personal communication, May 3, 2013), it appears that the intensity of procrastination is positively correlated with level of stress, and negatively correlated with contentment level. Future studies would benefit from replicating these results in a controlled environment.

Future studies may also focus on testing other procrastination methods for efficacy, including engaging in tasks such as mechanically laundering clothing and restoring room conditions, and performing repetitive physical movements that raise heart rate and produce pore moisture. Other studies may explore ways to not procrastinate.

References

Andreou, C. (2007). Understanding procrastination. Journal for the Theory of Social Behaviour, 37:2, 183-193.

Howell, A. J., & Watson, D. C. (2007). Procrastination: associations with achievement goal orientation and learning strategies. Personality and Individual Differences, 43, 167-178.

Solomon, L. J., & Rothblum, E. D. (1984). Academic procrastination: frequency and cognitive-behavioural correlates. Journal of Counseling Psychology, 31, 504-510.

White, M. C. (2012). You’re wasting time at work right now, aren’t you? Time, as retrieved on May 3, 2013, from http://business.time.com/2012/03/13/youre-wasting-time-at-work-right-now-arent-you/.

Woman (2012). Let’s talk… why not? Tastes Like Onion [blog], as retrieved on May 3, 2013, from https://tasteslikeonion.wordpress.com/2012/07/03/lets-talk-why-not/.

Woman (2013). Effective procrastination methods. Manuscript submitted for publication to Tastes Like Onion [blog].