(Los Angeles) Officials report that one woman is decidedly aging ungracefully.
“Based on what we know of her demeanor, we would have expected that she embrace aging with wisdom and humility,” says one official, who requested to remain anonymous.
“However, that is clearly not the case.”
Aging gracefully means taking steps to stay healthy, including remaining active. According to sources, watching too much television reduces life expectancy. For every hour of television watched, those over the age of 25 lose 22 minutes of life expectancy.
Upon discovering “The Crown,” “Victoria,” “The Good Place,” and “Mindhunter,” officials estimate the woman has lost 10 hours and 42.4 minutes*, not including the time she has lost to watching “Jeopardy!” while eating dinner.
“Whoa,” responded the woman, when informed of this calculation.
Aging gracefully also means having beauty routines, and then being discreet about them. The woman recently started coloring her gray because the combination of color and texture, as she puts it, “was horrible and wonky.” Soon after coloring her hair however, she blurted out to a group of relative strangers that she just colored her hair and then added nothing else. When officials inquired of her skincare routine, the woman sheepishly answered that she usually washes her face, and applies lotion and facial sunscreen.
“Sometimes I forget though,” the woman responded, defensively. “Or I do not feel like it.”
Aging gracefully can also mean being discreet about age. The woman is admittedly blessed with appearing much younger than her age, and is often asked about it in subtle ways.
“In work settings, people often ask me how long I have worked with my organization,” the woman shared. “I know that they are really asking how long in order to calculate my age, but just recently I blurted out ‘Almost 18 years!’ You can see the shock on their face, and see their lips moving as they calculate under their breath.”
“And then I remember I was not going to answer that question anymore.”
While adjusting to being 40 is a transition that many do everyday, this woman still finds it aging surprising in general.
“I did not really think that I would be this old,” confided the woman. “Not because I was living a reckless life, but because I was not consciously choosing it.”
“But as Helen Hayes once wisely said, ‘Age is not important unless you are a cheese.’”
* Mathematical evidence of woman’s shortened life expectancy:
Season 1 of “The Crown”: 577 minutes
Season 1 of “Victoria”: 392 minutes
Season 1 of “The Good Place”: 287 minutes
Season 1 of “Mindhunter”: 496 minutes
Total viewing time: 1,752 minutes or 29 hours and 12 minutes
1 hour of TV viewing time = 22 minutes of life expectancy lost
So 29 hours and 12 minutes of viewing time = 642.4 minutes of life expectancy lost
642.4 minutes = 10 hours and 42.4 minutes