The Age of Old

(Los Angeles) Officials report that one woman is decidedly aging ungracefully.

“Based on what we know of her demeanor, we would have expected that she embrace aging with wisdom and humility,” says one official, who requested to remain anonymous.

“However, that is clearly not the case.”

Aging gracefully means taking steps to stay healthy, including remaining active. According to sources, watching too much television reduces life expectancy. For every hour of television watched, those over the age of 25 lose 22 minutes of life expectancy.

Upon discovering “The Crown,” “Victoria,” “The Good Place,” and “Mindhunter,” officials estimate the woman has lost 10 hours and 42.4 minutes*, not including the time she has lost to watching “Jeopardy!” while eating dinner.

“Whoa,” responded the woman, when informed of this calculation.

Aging gracefully also means having beauty routines, and then being discreet about them. The woman recently started coloring her gray because the combination of color and texture, as she puts it, “was horrible and wonky.” Soon after coloring her hair however, she blurted out to a group of relative strangers that she just colored her hair and then added nothing else. When officials inquired of her skincare routine, the woman sheepishly answered that she usually washes her face, and applies lotion and facial sunscreen.

“Sometimes I forget though,” the woman responded, defensively. “Or I do not feel like it.”

Aging gracefully can also mean being discreet about age. The woman is admittedly blessed with appearing much younger than her age, and is often asked about it in subtle ways.

“In work settings, people often ask me how long I have worked with my organization,” the woman shared. “I know that they are really asking how long in order to calculate my age, but just recently I blurted out ‘Almost 18 years!’ You can see the shock on their face, and see their lips moving as they calculate under their breath.”

“And then I remember I was not going to answer that question anymore.”

While adjusting to being 40 is a transition that many do everyday, this woman still finds it aging surprising in general.

“I did not really think that I would be this old,” confided the woman. “Not because I was living a reckless life, but because I was not consciously choosing it.”

“But as Helen Hayes once wisely said, ‘Age is not important unless you are a cheese.’”

(image source)

* Mathematical evidence of woman’s shortened life expectancy:

Season 1 of “The Crown”: 577 minutes

Season 1 of “Victoria”: 392 minutes

Season 1 of “The Good Place”: 287 minutes

Season 1 of “Mindhunter”: 496 minutes

Total viewing time: 1,752 minutes or 29 hours and 12 minutes

1 hour of TV viewing time = 22 minutes of life expectancy lost

So 29 hours and 12 minutes of viewing time = 642.4 minutes of life expectancy lost

642.4 minutes = 10 hours and 42.4 minutes

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Scientists Discover Source of Woman’s Down Demeanor


(Los Angeles, CA) After rigorous study, scientists discover the source of one woman’s recent down demeanor.

“Zits,” report the scientists. “Huge ones.”

The woman, known for her bright and bubbly personality, has for the past week exhibited signs of withdrawal and subduedness. According to their published report, she exhibited behavior including looking down while walking, avoiding eye contact, and smiling except in her eyes.

Before conclusively concluding the source, prior considerations included lack of makeup, sleep deficiency, and father’s poor health.

The woman began wearing less makeup upon realizing that it was annoying.

“It was annoying,” claimed the woman, in background information cited in the study. “And when I got a bunch of zits in a row, I thought that no makeup might help.”

While scientists hypothesized that lack of makeup could give cause for the woman to feel embarrassed and therefore socially withdraw, they ultimately dismissed this as cause when they discovered that the woman did not seemed bothered by her bare face, and therefore it had little bearing on her interaction with others.

The woman has also been sleep deprived during the study period.

The first confirmed incidence was last Monday, when after being delayed by inclement weather during travel, she went straight from the airport to the hospital to visit her father.  The remainder of the week was also busy with visits. She averaged 6 hours, 4 minutes, 45 seconds of sleep during a busy work week, but typically needs minimum 7 hours to feel somewhat rested.

Other behaviors supporting insufficent sleep included minimal chatter, large and frequent yawning, and heavy eyelids. The study eventually ruled it out as cause when they found that the woman consumed larger amounts of caffeine to compensate for lack of sleep.

Her father’s poor health was also potential cause for the woman’s down demeanor. Her father had been feeling unwell for some time but upon recent test results, was admitted to the hospital for intensive treatment. This caused her father’s immune system to be lowered and other complications to occur.

“It was hard to see my father in a hospital bed,” noted the woman in the report. “He looked so little and vulnerable. I wish there was something I could do [to help].”

Despite mounting evidence pointing towards father’s poor health, scientists ultimately concluded that zits are the most likely cause for the woman’s down demeanor.

Acne can erode confidence and perpetuate a self-consciousness that leads to downward gazing and eye contact avoidance, according to the study findings. Her diminished smile can also be supported by the locational relationship of zits to mouth, and proximity drawing unwanted attention.

The study, funded by the Association of Clear Nice Epidermis Follicles and Rejecting External impErfections (ACNEFREE), has since been cited as scientific proof that clear skin makes this one woman more confident. While study scientists contend its groundbreaking findings has extraordinary implications for helping future generations’ emotional health in an age of increasing social isolation and despair, other scientists question its value to a larger population due to the study’s small sample size.

“[But] I totally get why taking care of yourself is so important,” the woman stated in the study epilogue. “There is a lot going on underneath the surface, and it will eventually make it present.”

“And… that it too shall pass.”

(image source)

To Fix Thy Hair is To Know Thyself

woman with mirror

After a two-year long experiment, one woman reverts back to her natural hair part, and finds deeper meaning from the experience.

While it is scientifically proven that the direction of a hair part can have profound impact on social acceptance and success, the woman was often met with skepticism and disbelief at the value, and potential impact, of the experiment.

“I think a lot of people rolled their eyes,” the woman shared. “I actually don’t really remember.”

When reminded that the woman was met with skepticism and disbelief, she further recalled indeed feeling self-conscious at having to explain how a hair part can have such effects.

But the results from the experiment proved statistically significant.

Based on a chi-squared score of a billion, data showed that with her unnatural, or self-improved hair part, she more easily found better parking spots, was upgraded at hotels and offered prime dining seating locations, and garnered a higher percentage of appropriate smiles returned than the ‘bend and snap‘ from Legally Blonde.

But the benefits came at some cost to the woman.

“I had to make sure I fixed my part while my hair was wet,” the woman recounted, “and use spray hair gel.”

“Oh, and a bobby pin to keep my bangs in place.”

So with a recent hair cut, the woman unceremoniously ended her hair part experiment. Scholars and careful observers alike have drawn similarities to the demise of her pescatarian diet, which ended with an impromptu ham Thanksgiving dinner, also after a two-year stint.

With shorter hair and a natural part, the woman has attributed a deeper acceptance of who she is — the good and the bad. For now she no longer experiences the perks of a more symmetrically-appearing face,  but feels the freedom of walking out the door without worry of flyaway baby hairs. She understands that while she can seek self-improvement, it is difficult to completely change 180 degrees without a bobby pin to hold her manufactured self together. And, she has learned that when she indeed accepts herself, she will naturally appear more shiny, smooth, and full of body and life.

When asked of her next experiment, the woman confessed that she now hopes to identify effective ways to remember to brush her hair every day. An academic literature review has revealed no pending studies currently underway in this field.

Quiz: Under Pressure

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Have you been feeling… off?  Feeling unlike yourself and can’t quite put your finger on it?

With modern life stress comes out in many forms, so take this short quiz and find out if stress could be making you feel unlike yourself.

Note: This quiz is for informational purposes, and not a substitute for professional help.

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Blink

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(Los Angeles, CA) Sources confirm that one woman recently benefited from the quick conclusions of others, to seem more attractive, benevolent and fit.

These quick conclusions, known as adaptive unconscious, enables some to excel at decision-making while others fare poorly.

“‘Did you get a haircut?… It’s so shiny!,” recounted the woman, of an early morning interaction with a colleague. “I realized it was because my hair was still wet, but you know…  She was already down the hall, so…”

The woman also reportedly received expressions of gratitude when she recently paused to let a person in a wheelchair navigate a narrow uneven sidewalk.

“He nodded his head as he passed, as if to say thanks,” she recalled, shaking her head. “But I was just trying to rest my feet from new shoes.”

The woman received a compliment on her physique while waiting for a flu shot.* Flexing in front of the mirror in order to give definition to her otherwise flabby arms, the woman received a “nice muscles” remark from the nurse. According to reports, the woman was pleased with herself and continued to flex and admire her reflection before the nurse had to ask her to relax for the injection.

The woman, who at times actually puts forth effort to be more attractive or do nice things for others, exhibited distress at the thought of receiving undeserved good will.

“I feel bad that [people] mistake my vanity for kindness.”

The woman went on to share that while it is clear people often draw the wrong conclusions, it is kinder to give others the same generous benefit of the doubt.

“Who knows,” the woman reflected. “They just might rise to the occasion.”

*Author’s note: This actually happened. We verified many times for authenticity.