We Didn’t Start the Fire



REPORTER: Home alarms are supposed to help families feel safer.  But for one woman’s family, it’s the fire alarm has causes them to live in fear.

MOM:  Every time we cook, the fire alarm goes off.  And it’s so loud!

REPORTER:  And it’s not just Mom who’s concerned.  Other family members agree.

DAD:  Oh my gosh, it’s terrible.

BROTHER:  Yeah, because it’s so loud!  And annoying!

MOM, DAD, BROTHER  (in unison):  BEEP BEEP BEEP.  Fire!  Fire!

REPORTER:  The primary trigger it seems, is smoke from cooking on the stove.  And defensive measures, too often, are taken too late.  When asked whether turning on the kitchen exhaust fan would help, the woman responded quickly.

WOMAN:  Yes, it would.

BROTHER:  We also try to open the skylight to let the smoke out.

REPORTER:  With frustration, the family is now considering taking more extreme measures into their hands.

DAD:  It’s dangerous to keep climbing the chair to fan the fire alarm.  So I want to take the battery out.

REPORTER:  And while this may be a short-term solution, ultimately this goes against the purpose of the fire alarm.  According to the manufacturer’s website, they recommend a properly working unit, with battery, for protection.

WOMAN:  Every time we cook, at first sign of smoke we run around yelling “Fire!  Fire!” while we turn on the fan and open the skylight.  But we get maybe a minute, before the alarm goes off.

REPORTER:  With deep feeling, the woman shared this insight.

WOMAN:  No one should live this way.


Dogs Can Blog Too

(La Mirada, CA) The companionship and love of stuffed animals can last well past childhood into adulthood.  For one woman, it has.

Her stuffed animal, “BHD” (Ed. Note: As a minor, his full name has been retracted for his privacy) has been with her for more than five years.  Originally a gift, the woman had grown quite attached to the soft, plush animal, initially as a way to stave off loneliness.

The woman shared: “Living alone, it was nice to have a companion.  He mostly stayed at home, but he’s certainly pretty well-traveled for a pup.  He’s been to Manhattan Beach, the Bay Area, all over…”

And not only a companion to carry from room to room, BHD has also become more and more a reflection of the woman’s personality.  The woman literally speaks for BHD, and engages in limited conversations with her stuffed companion.

“His voice is like mine, only higher,” the woman revealed.  “But yeah, he’s definitely funny.  He always makes me laugh.”

“But watch out – he’s also pretty feisty!”

Since discovering the joys of blogging, the woman recently decided to share this joy with her best friend by creating a blog on his behalf.  This blog, intended to be humorous, may however cause some concern and need for mental health monitoring should the woman start to overly spend time and energy to the fiction.

“Clearly others love stuffed animals,” said the woman, referencing a wikihow page on how to love a stuffed animal.  “And because he’s cute and funny, why shouldn’t I share him with the world?”

“So far only two read his blog however,” admitted the woman.  “But maybe someday he’ll be as famous as…  well…  I guess there aren’t really famous stuffed animals… yet.  If you don’t count Alf.”

BHD’s blog can be found at iambhd.tumblr.com.

Injuries Require Time to Heal, Study Concludes

(La Mirada, CA)  Recent studies have shown that the body can be easily injured.  Studies have also shown that injuries require time to recover.  Conducted over a six-month period, a woman evaluated the recovery fitness of key mobility areas as well as the digestive system.

The woman first noted this phenomenon with an ankle sprain.  Occurring weeks before her third marathon, the woman went through a rigorous regimen of sports chiropractice, icing and elevation, and non-running in order to speed healing.  However, pain struck at Mile 19, and then struck, kicked, and picked up a coffee table and smashed it at Mile 21, requiring the woman to complete the longest, most painful marathon.  The woman, having then become more attuned to pain management, refrained from any running before a half-marathon race.

“It hurt,” the woman responded, when asked how her ankle felt.  “It still hurts.”

“I guess it didn’t help that I ran 39.3 miles on [the sprain] within six weeks,” the woman hypothesized.

The digestive system also appears subject to this process of healing.  After eating a fish sandwich with suspected bad mayonnaise, the woman quickly developed stomach pains.  However, what should have been an uncomfortable evening turned into two days of stomach twisting and arduous sleeping before the woman recovered.

Most disconcerting from her findings has been the inability to predict these injuries.  The woman, while watching the documentary Keep the River on Your Right, expressed deep empathy with the modern-day septuagenarian cannibal’s concern of slipping in the Peruvian jungle.

“This very evening I crept up the stairs in stealth mode, and my knee starting aching,” the woman recounted.  “You just never know.”

Laptop Too Hot for Itself

(Los Angeles, CA)  The decline of America’s health has been epitomized by a specific laptop.  Slow and overweight, it most notably suffers from heatstroke.

The laptop, a Toshiba Satellite laptop, running on 2002 Windows XP Home Edition, has been the woman’s primary computing device for more than nine years.  With a 17″ screen, beautiful blue cover and contrast black keys with silver border, it was seen as “quite the catch” in its heyday.  However, as the standard for laptops grew slimmer and lighter, the woman’s laptop was soon considered too heavy even to leave the home.

Multi-tasking has also become difficult over the years.  Unclear if due to age or weight, the laptop increasingly struggles with turning on, and opening and running multiple programs at once.  Opening a web browser window, with a mere four homepage tabs, proves strenuous.

“The laptop takes, like, 10 minutes just to boot up,” shared the woman, “and opening the web browser 10 minutes more.  It got to the point where (when) I turn on the computer, I (then) turn on the TV to watch something while I wait.”

One click meant seconds if not minutes for a program to respond.  And should the woman grow slightly impatient, or forgetful, long waits are the result as multiple Internet Explorer windows take their time loading.

However, its most severe condition is heatstroke.  Mid-download, the laptop would suddenly and unexpectedly shut off entirely.  At first the woman was extremely alarmed but over time, she learned to adapt and avoid any activities that would trigger an episode.  The woman no longer downloads software or watches videos, and burning CDs are unthinkable.

The only treatment for the laptop’s heat-induced comas, and to avoid future episodes, is for its underside and rear to remain cool.  As a way to accommodate this, the woman has learned to balance the laptop to allow maximum air flow for the fans under and at the rear of the laptop.  This however, means a most unladylike position as the woman rests the computer on her lap, knees spread wide.  This also results in the woman overheating herself as hot air continuously blows onto the woman’s lap.

But these measures do not always work, and even in the filing of this report, the laptop suffered two episodes.  But while urged on by some, the woman has been hesitant to search for a new laptop.

“I know (buying new stuff) is popular and sometimes necessary,” replied the woman, “but old things can have value too.  Despite being heavy, slow, and always warm, my laptop still has some good life yet… especially in those lonely winter months.”

Energy Drinks Provide Energy, Study Concludes

(Los Angeles, CA)  New side effects from the consumption of a popular energy drink have been discovered, a recent study has concluded. These include hyperactivity, difficulty falling asleep, and a delayed reduction in perceived energy levels.

The study was conducted by a woman, who was initially interested in the effects of diet cola. However having none, the woman proceeded with testing the liquid energy in two strains, or ‘flavors.’

The study was conducted over the course of two days following the work week, where social events scheduled to extend past 9pm, were planned. The woman, after consuming the drink, exhibited signs of efficacy through laughing and clapping, as well as bedtimes past 3am. The woman also exhibited secondary symptoms, those resulting from the direct symptoms, including lowered immune system, lethargy, and amplified emotional responses and reduced mental function.

Factors that appear to play a key role, particularly in relation to severity, include time of consumption, and whether the energy drink was consumed on an empty or full stomach. Experiment variables not held constant included ice cream during one of the tests.

The beverage container itself provides some clues into the effects of the energy drink. With such markers as “high-energy” and “get ready for an unreal experience,” it can be said that this study was unnecessary and gratuitous.

“I was thirsty,” the woman replied, when asked why the study was conducted at all. “I didn’t think about it the first time, but then I didn’t have anything else to drink (the following night). And I couldn’t fall asleep both nights.”

Future studies are expected to continue once additional funding is granted and supplies secured.