He’s Just Not That Into You


(Los Angeles) One woman’s attempts to woo an acquaintance have utterly failed, according to official sources. 

She first met this person several months ago through a shared interest, and had exchanged a number of awkward but un-noteworthy hugs since that first meeting. It had only been in recent weeks, however, that her interest turned romantic.

“I was intrigued by him at the beginning,” said the woman in an official statement. “He was traveling to Italy, my favorite country in the world. But then I started dating someone,” continued the woman, “and I did not really think about him in that way.”

When asked what had changed, she cited being single, and the classic textbook indicator, jealousy. 

“He mentioned going on a date,” noted the woman in an official statement, “and I felt this flare of jealousy.” 

“He was supposed to only like me!”

Since then, the woman initiated several attempts to subtly convey her interest. These included asking him if he wanted to hang out to sketch (to a quick ‘no’ and head-shaking response), telling him she was hungry (to entice a dinner invitation that never came), and asking him how to know when you are in someone’s “friend zone” (‘It is personality,’ he says). 

“I do not know how I could have been more clear,” the woman went on to report. “I literally told him that if he wanted to do something together, let me know, but that if he did not want to I would not be offended.”

This last statement garnered a glance in her direction, according to her peripheral vision, but nothing further.

While reliable sources describe the love interest as “awkward” and “kinda creepy,” the woman had been undeterred in her pursuit. This is no longer the case, according to official sources.

“If he is not interested in me, there is no point in forcing him otherwise,” the woman noted. “Or this might be my rebound crush, in which case it is good that nothing is happening now. Either way, the people on the Gold Line knew what was happening, even if he did not…”

“Besides, if we stay just friends – it is the perfect formula for romance!” 

(image source)

EXCLUSIVE: Friday Field Notes


(Los Angeles) WikiLeaks has just released dozens of field notes from one local woman. Tastes Like Onion has the exclusive. This past Friday’s field notes are reprinted below in full.


04/14/17

07:45 Discovered strange dog in backyard. Made eye contact. Asked neighbors if they lost a dog. Son came to take dog. Dog did not seem pleased. 

08:00 Train pulled into station. Ran for train. Breathed heavily on train as it sat at station for another five minutes.

08:10 Ate breakfast on train while reading Shakespeare’s “As You Like It.” Play not easy to read whilst eating. Remembered play was featured in “Never Been Kissed.” Contemplated why Mr. Coulson was enamored with Drew Barrymore’s character.

08:25 Observed young man pick up fallen trash to throw away in nearby trash can. Smiled, thinking there is still good in the world.

9:35 Dentist commented on wonderful smile and sunny disposition (as roughly translated from Korean). Was asked about a boyfriend since I seem so nice. Was left to contemplate relationship status while teeth being cleaned.

10:07 Discovered new café. Listened to young folks talk about their blogging, as if people care what they have to say. Irony noted.

10:34 Was asked for nearest ATM location. Did not know. She just moved here. Magnanimously welcomed her to LA.

11:00 Chatted on phone with new friend. Was happy during call but left tired from social effort.

11:37 Heard “Don’t Stop Believing” while walking. Felt like in a musical until cyclist with his radio passed on the sidewalk.

11:48 Mentally corrected woman who described Metro Civic Center station as having underground food court and waterfall. Maybe she was thinking of Grand Park and Bunker Hill food court.

12:10 Was asked whether going to school, by a 48-year-old man from Long Beach who never finished college, worked as a draftsman, took a sabbatical to do commercial fishing, used to drive a 1964 Volkswagen Beetle, and now takes public transit everywhere including to his second job “at the horses” [in Santa Anita]. Was asked for donation money. When man attempts a joke, his mouth forms an “o” and pauses, waiting for laughter. Did not laugh so as to not encourage behavior. Did not matter.

13:15 Ate popular poke food with friends in an outdoor courtyard. Learned that community service is an alternative to paying driving ticket fines. Resisted free candy sample and learned that honey can be made from cactus.

14:45 Listened to live piano music while waiting for train. Set included “Say Something” with live singing, and oddly felt emotional. Might be effects of Moon Cheese. Bird flew near face.

17:00 Mild electrocution of outer and upper shoulder with heat pad was relaxing. Subsequent exercises were not.

17:25 Foraged for food at local Trader Joe’s.

19:22 Read.

20:22 Read.

21:21 Read.

(image source)

Tiny Dancer

Editor’s Note: This is part of a series entitled “Twenty Before Forty,” where we follow one woman as she checks off her way to happiness and premature middle age. This is number 17 of the series, not published in numeric order.


(Los Angeles) One woman’s effort to be more social resulted in pain and loneliness, according to official sources. This was as a result of trying social dance and tap dance.

The woman has had a history of dancing, beginning with ballet at a young age. In junior high and high school, officials traced ties to a competitive dance drill team, and to dancing and choreographing various dances through her school’s dance production. She was also a varsity cheerleader and competed with her squad.

“She had always enjoyed dancing,” recalled a childhood friend, “for as long as I can remember. She made it look easy.”

In the past year, the woman confided in friends that she wanted to stimulate her mind and reconnect with her body through new styles of dance. From what officials can piece together, at a local community college the woman enrolled in Beginning Tap, and then in Advanced Tap and Social Dance the following semester.

The woman had always wanted to learn how to tap. Sources close to her noted that she used to “tap” in grocery aisles and other tiled floor surfaces as a child.

“It is unclear,” officials noted, in response to media questions as to why social dance. “We are still going through the evidence, but there may have also been another person involved with suggesting Social Dance.”

“It also appears she was a huge fan of old Hollywood musicals.”

According to official sources, it was during the second semester that the woman sustained overuse injuries to her right big toe and left shoulder. Early investigation notes point to social dance as the cause for both injuries, as she constantly danced on the balls of her feet while maintaining her frame.

“Yeah,” the childhood friend confirmed, “like in Dirty Dancing.”

Due to her physical injuries, the woman also experienced social isolation. As she was unable to dance with a partner, she danced by herself in the corner of the dance studio.

“You really need to be with a partner to understand how the dances work,” the instructor reported as part of the official report. “I told her what exercises she should be doing for her shoulder, but week after week she danced by herself in the corner.”

“It was awkward, seeing her try to turn herself.”

Studies have found that 82 percent of dancers suffer from one to seven injuries in any given year. However while dancers in one study returned to dancing after an average of 18 days, the woman has remained injured for many months. Officials offered, then quickly withdrew, suggestions that this was due to her age.

“She was more than 20 years older than some of my students,” the instructor reported. “Then again, I’m much older than her and I’m fine except for my hernia.”

From what officials can tell, she must have experienced a great deal of pain as well as physical isolation.

“Although this was not included in our official report,” an anonymous source shared, “we have imagined ourselves in her shoes. Because she is a very small person, her arms would have been raised quite high for some time.”

“When you try social dance, find someone your own height. I will say this softly and slowly – they will want to hold you closer. ”

(image source)

Check Marks the Box

One woman has developed a “Twenty Before Forty” list – a list of things she wants to accomplish before her fortieth birthday. We recently sat down with her to learn more. Below is the transcript of our upcoming podcast episode*. For more, please see Woman to Fit 40 Years of Living Into Months and subsequent Editor’s Note.

[TRANSCRIPT]


PODCAST
: We have with us today, Woman, who is the subject of many hilarious posts on a popular blog called Tastes Like Onion. Thank you so much for joining us today.

WOMAN: Thank you for having me.

PODCAST: So, first off – I love your blog. It’s refreshing to read something with such humor, warmth, self-deprecation and honesty.

WOMAN: Wow, thank you so much.

PODCAST: How did the blog come about?

WOMAN: Yeah, so it was about six years ago when two things happened close together. One, I watched the movie, Julie and Julia. It tells parallel stories of Julia Child in France as she begins her cooking career, and Julie Powell who starts a blog to chronicle cooking through Julia Child’s cookbook. I identified with Powell, who wanted to be a writer. Two, I went to see an event honoring Jimmy Fallon. It was a hilarious show. And I was inspired by both to create and be funny – two things I continue to strive for…

PODCAST: And the particular format. It seems like with a personal blog, a first person narrative would be more natural.

WOMAN: Ah yes, except for someone shy like me. I definitely wanted to write about me and my adventures, big and small… (laughs) Mostly small. But it never felt comfortable writing, “I did this” and “I did that.” So what better way to share “non-news” than to make it seem headline-worthy. The newspaper format is the foundation, but it’s also let me be creative with other styles, such as writing an advice column, creating travel and photo spreads, etc.

PODCAST: And now you’ve come up with something for your upcoming birthday. Tell us about this list.

WOMAN: Well, I love lists. There’s nothing quite like the satisfaction of checking something off… But more importantly, I recently lost someone close to me, and I wanted to honor her memory by living my life with meaning and purpose. A list seemed like a good way to figure out what those things are.

PODCAST: And why 20?

WOMAN: Because 20 is the new 40! (laughs) No, quite frankly – I ran out of time.

PODCAST: So now that we have everyone curious about this list. What’s on this list of 20?

WOMAN: Well, it’s broken down into six categories. These are Health, California, Bravery, Home, Good Citizen, and Culture. The things range from setting up a living trust and will to visiting the top 10 national parks in California, getting rid of all the boxes in my room, and learning all 88 cities in Los Angeles County.

PODCAST: Wow, quite a diverse list! Was there a full 40 list wits things that didn’t make the cut?

WOMAN: Yep – mostly physical things, as I’ve been injured the past few months. I just don’t recover as quickly as I used to! Things like trying surfing, rock climbing and kayaking. Reading an entire book in Italian. Applying for a prestigious fellowship, auditioning for something, and learning how to do basic car maintenance.

PODCAST: Are these things that could appear on a “Before Fifty” List?

WOMAN: (laughs) Haha, quite possibly. But it’s also likely that I’ll be into different things by then!

PODCAST: Well, it was a delight to chat with you and I wish you the best of luck on your list. We hope that we’ll be able to follow along on Tastes Like Onion?

WOMAN: Definitely… One thing that stayed on my “Twenty Before Forty” list is to blog more, so you should be hearing more from me.

PODCAST: We hope so. For our listeners who are curious about the full list, please check our transcript version online which includes a snapshot of the list. Thank you so much again, Woman – it was a real pleasure.

WOMAN: Thank you.

* EDITOR’S NOTE: Despite efforts to the contrary, this podcast episode will not be aired because there is no podcast.

(image source)

Scientists Discover Source of Woman’s Down Demeanor


(Los Angeles, CA) After rigorous study, scientists discover the source of one woman’s recent down demeanor.

“Zits,” report the scientists. “Huge ones.”

The woman, known for her bright and bubbly personality, has for the past week exhibited signs of withdrawal and subduedness. According to their published report, she exhibited behavior including looking down while walking, avoiding eye contact, and smiling except in her eyes.

Before conclusively concluding the source, prior considerations included lack of makeup, sleep deficiency, and father’s poor health.

The woman began wearing less makeup upon realizing that it was annoying.

“It was annoying,” claimed the woman, in background information cited in the study. “And when I got a bunch of zits in a row, I thought that no makeup might help.”

While scientists hypothesized that lack of makeup could give cause for the woman to feel embarrassed and therefore socially withdraw, they ultimately dismissed this as cause when they discovered that the woman did not seemed bothered by her bare face, and therefore it had little bearing on her interaction with others.

The woman has also been sleep deprived during the study period.

The first confirmed incidence was last Monday, when after being delayed by inclement weather during travel, she went straight from the airport to the hospital to visit her father.  The remainder of the week was also busy with visits. She averaged 6 hours, 4 minutes, 45 seconds of sleep during a busy work week, but typically needs minimum 7 hours to feel somewhat rested.

Other behaviors supporting insufficent sleep included minimal chatter, large and frequent yawning, and heavy eyelids. The study eventually ruled it out as cause when they found that the woman consumed larger amounts of caffeine to compensate for lack of sleep.

Her father’s poor health was also potential cause for the woman’s down demeanor. Her father had been feeling unwell for some time but upon recent test results, was admitted to the hospital for intensive treatment. This caused her father’s immune system to be lowered and other complications to occur.

“It was hard to see my father in a hospital bed,” noted the woman in the report. “He looked so little and vulnerable. I wish there was something I could do [to help].”

Despite mounting evidence pointing towards father’s poor health, scientists ultimately concluded that zits are the most likely cause for the woman’s down demeanor.

Acne can erode confidence and perpetuate a self-consciousness that leads to downward gazing and eye contact avoidance, according to the study findings. Her diminished smile can also be supported by the locational relationship of zits to mouth, and proximity drawing unwanted attention.

The study, funded by the Association of Clear Nice Epidermis Follicles and Rejecting External impErfections (ACNEFREE), has since been cited as scientific proof that clear skin makes this one woman more confident. While study scientists contend its groundbreaking findings has extraordinary implications for helping future generations’ emotional health in an age of increasing social isolation and despair, other scientists question its value to a larger population due to the study’s small sample size.

“[But] I totally get why taking care of yourself is so important,” the woman stated in the study epilogue. “There is a lot going on underneath the surface, and it will eventually make it present.”

“And… that it too shall pass.”

(image source)