Don’t Worry Baby

(Los Angeles) One woman has started using Tinder without knowing what she was doing, according to official sources. She downloaded the popular dating app on November 10, 2017.

“Lots of people I know been using it,” remarked the woman, when asked why she chose Tinder. “Well, actually two… but one is now engaged!”

So with little instruction or wherewithal, the woman started using the app. Mishaps began immediately.

First the woman became confused with which direction to swipe.

“I was looking at the app upside down to get my friend’s opinion,” explained the woman. “But even then it was still confusing.”

“I would just look at her and ask, ‘What do you I do?’ She also did not know.”

After adapting to slow swiping in order to confirm the “Nope” or “Like,” the woman soon remembered that being on a dating app means needing to use the app.

“For some reason, the woman forgot she needed to be social,” reported one official who asked to remain anonymous. “How can someone forget that (they’re) on a dating app?”

The woman soon adapted to sending messages and responding in kind. Through use of the app however, she found that there were subcultures of which she was not even aware nor a part. These included:

– “420” as a reference to marijuana usage, not an area code;

– Selfie hotspots of bathroom, gym, and gearshift of vehicle;

– Vitamix; and

– Man toys, including cars, motorcycles, boats, etc.

“Men also apparently liked to begrudgingly claim that they are tall,” observed the woman. “They write, ‘I guess it’s a thing here,’ but it’s obvious they’re proud of their height.”

Officials have since confirmed that tall men do do this, through an industry term known as the “humblebrag.”

Despite many men posting multiple shirtless photos of themselves, the woman did connect with a few men and began exchanging messages. The official report notes that this was when the woman met M (name withheld for privacy purposes).

“M seemed cute,” recalled the woman, “he was Italian, and had an interesting job in government.”

Officials have reconstructed the following timeline:

– Messages were exchanged on Tinder on November 10, 11 and 12

– WhatsApp was then used for messaging starting November 13 and phone messaging on November 15, with messages including:

EXHIBIT A (11/13):

M: Hello dear

M: How are you doing

Woman: Hey M?!

M: How are you doing

Woman: How was your day?

M: Bright

M: Do you live alone

M: Please tell me more about yourself

M: I want to be more than a friend to you

 

EXHIBIT B (11/13):

Woman: Are you by chance up for talking on the phone sometime?

M: Yes

M: But I have a lot of Italian accent… I hope you can understand?

Woman: Would it be better if we met in person?

M: Yes sure… I will really like that

Woman: Great… How about Saturday [November 18]?

M: I will be at work then dear

Woman: Oh, ok… When could work for you?

M: 25th of November

Woman: Hahah, ok. That would work for me.

M: Oh really… It will?

M: How as your day?

M: Hi baby

M: Are you there

 

EXHIBIT C (11/16 on WhatsApp):

M: Did you sleep well last night?

Woman: Yeah, it was so nice! I should try harder to get more sleep.

M: Lol

M: Hope your job isn’t stressful?

Woman: My job can be stressful but not all the time… Is your job stressful?

M: Well not stressful, but I do travel in between my work

Woman: Oh, travel for work always seem fun. Do you like the travel part?

M: Yes I do

Woman: Ok I’m about to go into the subway so I’ll lose service. Hope you have a good day if I don’t get a chance to message!

M: Okay baby… But you can receive text messages from your phone number??

M: I can text you

Woman: Yes!… It’s just sometimes I’m too busy to get my messages or respond.

M: Okay baby

M: Hope your job pays you well… Coz you sleep a lot

 

EXHIBIT C (11/16 continued through phone message):

M: Honey I want to ask you a question

Woman: Oh, ok sure

M: Baby did you delete your tinder… I deleted mine coz I found you I want you to do the same

Woman: That is very sweet but we haven’t even talked or met yet?!…

M: Yes but I believe we have a lot of chemistry

M: Talk to me on what’s App

M: I want to share something with you

M: Please delete the tinder app tpo

M: Too*

 

EXHIBIT C (11/16 continued back through WhatsApp):

M: ????

M: Baby

Woman: Sorry I can’t keep up with the different apps!? You wanted to share something?

M: Yes baby

Link

Link

M: Are you there

M: Don’t you like????

Woman: Wow!? Thanks for sending me these. I have to get going but I hope you have a good night!

M: Don’t you want to talk to me?

Woman: Sorry! I have work to do tonight and I need to go to bed too!

M: Okay….

M: Are you interested in me?

– END OF EXHIBITS –

When officials recited the timeline for the woman’s concurrence, her response was noted as “Yeah…”

“Yeah…,” also responded an anonymous source close to this matter. “(We were) really rooting for the woman to have a good experience. But we still have hope (for her).”

“Everything will turn out alright.”

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