Dear Jeremy Renner,
It’s been a while since I had an imaginary conversation with you, but I wanted you to know that once and for all, we won’t be together… again.
It doesn’t seem long since we first were linked together in my mind. I had finished watching The Hurt Locker, and you were so tortured and fit. I knew that beneath the tough exterior even Evangeline Lilly couldn’t crack, I knew that you were hurt. And that you were locked up in that hurt. It was the idea that I could save your movie character from his pain, that first drew me to you.
But just as new love is fragile to disappointment and broken dreams, I read more about you online. It wasn’t the fact that you were from Modesto, or never finished college. It wasn’t even the fact that you were a former make-up artist, or that you’re friends with Colin Farrell of whom I disapprove on grounds of common sense. But, what broke my heart, and made me realize that we weren’t meant to be, was that you swore like a sailor. I’m frightened of the ocean.
And you know all this… You let me go without even saying a word, and I thought I was happy.
But then, several months later, there we were in Montreal together, oohing and aahing the city in sexy, humid sweaty-clinging-shirt weather… Maybe it was the polite French-Canadian air, but our invented romance was rekindled and I was happy. I even pretended not to recognize you and we laughed about it. You were happy too, or so I thought…
And it was there I realized that despite long-lost love, or at least infatuation, you were kind-of ridiculous. You said that you hated Hollywood and yet I saw pictures of you with blond actresses, hamming it up for the cameras. Really, did you really have to make such a show with Scarlett? Really? Oh, you know what I’m talking about – you always pretend that… (sigh)
Enough was enough. I overlooked things of your personality despite my better judgment and now I know better. I know that we could never discuss anything because unlike Aaron Cross, you don’t have the blue chems and your intelligence reflects it. And you still say bad words… a lot.
And so I’m leaving the fantasy of you behind me now, and moving on. Please keep the scarf I could’ve given you because I like scarves too. You have your action movies to make now, and I have my other celebrity crushes to pursue…
Take care, Jeremy Renner. It just wasn’t meant to be…