It’s Not Me, It’s You, Jeremy Renner


Dear Jeremy Renner,

It’s been a while since I had an imaginary conversation with you, but I wanted you to know that once and for all, we won’t be together… again. 

It doesn’t seem long since we first were linked together in my mind.  I had finished watching The Hurt Locker, and you were so tortured and fit.  I knew that beneath the tough exterior even Evangeline Lilly couldn’t crack, I knew that you were hurt.  And that you were locked up in that hurt.  It was the idea that I could save your movie character from his pain, that first drew me to you.

But just as new love is fragile to disappointment and broken dreams, I read more about you online.  It wasn’t the fact that you were from Modesto, or never finished college.  It wasn’t even the fact that you were a former make-up artist, or that you’re friends with Colin Farrell of whom I disapprove on grounds of common sense.  But, what broke my heart, and made me realize that we weren’t meant to be, was that you swore like a sailor.  I’m frightened of the ocean. 

And you know all this…  You let me go without even saying a word, and I thought I was happy.

But then, several months later, there we were in Montreal together, oohing and aahing the city in sexy, humid sweaty-clinging-shirt weather…  Maybe it was the polite French-Canadian air, but our invented romance was rekindled and I was happy.  I even pretended not to recognize you and we laughed about it.  You were happy too, or so I thought… 

And it was there I realized that despite long-lost love, or at least infatuation, you were kind-of ridiculous.  You said that you hated Hollywood and yet I saw pictures of you with blond actresses, hamming it up for the cameras.  Really, did you really have to make such a show with Scarlett?  Really?  Oh, you know what I’m talking about – you always pretend that… (sigh)

Enough was enough.  I overlooked things of your personality despite my better judgment and now I know better.  I know that we could never discuss anything because unlike Aaron Cross, you don’t have the blue chems and your intelligence reflects it.  And you still say bad words… a lot.images-1

And so I’m leaving the fantasy of you behind me now, and moving on.  Please keep the scarf I could’ve given you because I like scarves too.  You have your action movies to make now, and I have my other celebrity crushes to pursue…

Take care, Jeremy Renner.  It just wasn’t meant to be…




4 thoughts on “It’s Not Me, It’s You, Jeremy Renner

Say what you like about this... or me...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s