Energy Drinks Provide Energy, Study Concludes

(Los Angeles, CA)  New side effects from the consumption of a popular energy drink have been discovered, a recent study has concluded. These include hyperactivity, difficulty falling asleep, and a delayed reduction in perceived energy levels.

The study was conducted by a woman, who was initially interested in the effects of diet cola. However having none, the woman proceeded with testing the liquid energy in two strains, or ‘flavors.’

The study was conducted over the course of two days following the work week, where social events scheduled to extend past 9pm, were planned. The woman, after consuming the drink, exhibited signs of efficacy through laughing and clapping, as well as bedtimes past 3am. The woman also exhibited secondary symptoms, those resulting from the direct symptoms, including lowered immune system, lethargy, and amplified emotional responses and reduced mental function.

Factors that appear to play a key role, particularly in relation to severity, include time of consumption, and whether the energy drink was consumed on an empty or full stomach. Experiment variables not held constant included ice cream during one of the tests.

The beverage container itself provides some clues into the effects of the energy drink. With such markers as “high-energy” and “get ready for an unreal experience,” it can be said that this study was unnecessary and gratuitous.

“I was thirsty,” the woman replied, when asked why the study was conducted at all. “I didn’t think about it the first time, but then I didn’t have anything else to drink (the following night). And I couldn’t fall asleep both nights.”

Future studies are expected to continue once additional funding is granted and supplies secured.

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